I just finished reading 'The Furious Longing of God' by Brennan Manning and the Lord has used it immensly to restore and renew an understanding in my heart of His deep love for me.
This is generally something I haven't dwelt on much in the past because it has always been easier for me to explain God's actions and character directly related to his desire to Glorify himself. Claiming the phrase "everything was made to Glorify Christ", which indeed it was. The predicament in my head has been that for quite some time I could pass an understanding of what God was doing and why He was doing it, particularly my life circumstances, with theological explanations, namely, an understanding of what God is rather than who God is, or knowing more about God than truly knowing Him as a friend, and a companion.
It's been tough to break down walls of guilt in my head that have been built higher and taller through the years. These walls that tell me I am unfit to simply come into the presence of God without first evaluating my spiritual level and consequently having levels of repentance based upon how well I felt that I was doing spiritually.
Something I've come to understand recently is that my sin is mainly a road block in my mind.
"It is finished" meant just that. Gods gift of Jesus' sacrifice was not partial or imperfect based upon how many sins I commit and keep track of. God's view of me has never changed, and neither has his love. He saw all I would do while He was on the cross, and still valued me enough to forgive me and wipe the slate clean beforehand. This understanding has left me with a desire to do good because it pleases Him and He loved me first. It is no mistake or coincidence that I'm more satisfied when I do what's right. He designed it this way. He desires for us to do right but his love and acceptance of us had never changed.
"It is for freedom we've been set free"
, so we can live forgiven and liberated.
This is one of the many reasons why I feel Paul describes the gospel as a mystery. Unconditional love is unconventional, sacrificial, selfless, and many other things that I am not. And the thought of this love pursuing me to the point of complete and final redemption while my actions mock it, is baffling. I'm thankful that His ways are not our ways, He is unconditionally committed to his children. Thank you Father.
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